I'd like to tell a story. It begins with a confession. Simply put,
I was mad at God.
I went to WHAM (Worship Him at Midnight) one Friday night
and I decided to spend most of the time writing in my journal and praying. I had been feeling distant from God for quite
sometime and I wasn't sure why. I could
feel something separating us, but I honestly had no idea what that
"thing" was. So, I was crying
out to God, asking Him to show me, so I could get rid of it. I desperately wanted to be "wholly Thine". But He was quiet. I felt like I was crying
out to an apathetic, silent God and I got really frustrated. For the next few days, I feigned
indifference, but I couldn't deny the weight of guilt that laid so heavily upon
my shoulders. A good friend of mine
asked me to a prayer group. He was so
persistent, so I consented, despite my less than eager attitude. I mocked myself because I felt like a
ridiculously dramatic, snobby teenager who was mad at her Dad and decided to
"punish" him by giving him the silent treatment ("You won't talk
to me? Well, I didn't want to talk to you anyways. Take that!"). I knew how ridiculous I was being, but I
didn't care. I trudged all the way to
Pastor Tim's (the prayer group) and once I got there, I spent most of the time
journaling my frustrations, as I did at WHAM.
I had heard good, but weird things about Pastor Tim's so I was somewhat
skeptical walking into it. This guy who
they call Pastor Tim prayed over everyone there, including myself. He asked me
my name and then prayed for me and said things that seemed a little specific
for him to just make up. It was pretty
strange and I wasn't sure what to think of it all. He prayed mostly in "thank-you's":
- Thank you that Emily doesn't just want to know about you, she wants to know you personally.
- Thank you for the healing prayer ministry that she will one day lead.
- Thank you that you will speak to her through dreams and visions.
- Help her to not be so hard on herself.
- Thank you that she is a compassionate listener who wants to reach out to the broken.
- Thank you that her days of self-doubt are over.
There was more, but that was all that I remembered as I
frantically wrote it all down when he finished. I was taken aback by the
directness of his prayer and rather confused. The next day, I was still mulling
things over, but I had sort of come to the conclusion that self-doubt was the
problem. That afternoon, I began playing
and singing different praise songs in the practice room, a habit from last
semester that I hadn't picked back up. When I sang Before the Throne of God Above by
Selah, the words penetrated me (despite the number of times I had previously
sung them) and my eyes were opened to the beautiful salvation of God. He was speaking again and I was filled with
joy. That night, I went to set up for a recital in Hughes, expecting there to
be rehearsals going on, but there wasn't a single person in there. I've always recognized that Hughes is a
sacred place, but when I walked in there, I was overwhelmed by God's
presence. I sat in the balcony and just
sat with the Lord until people showed up. It was glorious. The sun (Son) was
pouring into the windows and was warming my soul. The next morning, I went to chapel and I
actually got there early, so I had time to sit and prepare for corporate
worship. The first song we sang was
Before the Throne of God Above. I couldn't
stop smiling because God was so obviously speaking to me. He was assuring me of
my salvation. I closed my eyes and worshiped Him and saw Him smiling down at
me. He was pouring His love into me and
I have never felt so FULL in my life.
The rest of the music was perfect and the chapel speaker boldly preached
the Gospel (which was very refreshing).
The rest of the day, I just wanted to run around telling everyone how
GREAT God is and how DEEP His love is for us.
Later, I went into Hughes when it was empty again and I sat in the
balcony singing hymns. I'm so thankful for an intimate God. He is not apathetic or distant, but He is with us. That's basically the end of my story, but I could literally go on for hours praising His name.
I started writing this post a few weeks ago on spring break, but then college happened again, so this post is a little dated. Since then God has been showering blessing after blessing on me through new friendships and existing ones, an answered prayer--my amazing TAG partner, Leslie--, deep conversations, an uncontainable joy, true worship, and His love. The amount of times I've felt like the happiest person alive recently is pretty amazing.
To conclude, here are the lyrics to Before the Throne of God Above.
Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Whoever lives and pleads for me
My name is graven on His hands
My name is written on His heart
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart
When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me
Behold Him there the risen Lamb
My perfect spotless righteousness
The great unchangeable I am
The King of glory and of grace
One with Himself I cannot die
My soul is purchased by His blood
My life is hid with Christ on high
With Christ my Savior and my God!
With Christ my Savior and my God!
One with Himself I cannot die
My soul is purchased by His blood
My life is hid with Christ on high
With Christ my Savior and my God!
With Christ my Savior and my God!
Amen. Amen. Amen. I hope you understand the magnitude of His sacrifice and the depth of His love. :) "I've tasted and seen of the sweetest of loves where my heart becomes free and my shame is undone." And now,
No tongue can bid me thence depart
My love to all,
Emily
